Quiet

I like the quietness of the night. Its calming and peaceful, to the point where I could be doing nothing but staring at the ceiling for hours and no one would care or question me. It's a time where we can sit down and reflect our day while the time waits for us to fall asleep to start a new one.

It's bittersweet though.

It's also times like these where I start to feel weak. Especially when your feelings begin to invade your mind, you end up losing control over your thoughts.

I hate feeling this way. No control. It's like I can't stop thinking and it's frustrating. I know how I'm suppose to feel and what I'm suppose to do, but for some odd reason I just can't help myself.

I just can't help myself. 

Wake Up

Sometimes when you feel like you're lost and confused, its easy to give in to things that you normally wouldn't let yourself do. Luckily, it's these times of feeling low, where friends can be the most helpful.

When things get difficult and you don't know what to do anymore, its often best to get a second opinion. 

My Best Friend. She's the best. No actually, she's THE best.  

Even though we can go for days without talking, every moment we spend together is full of laughs, jokes, giggles, understanding and pure happiness. She's a part of me, and I wouldn't know what I'd do without her. She picks me up when I feel down (as cliche as that sounds) and knows exactly what to do and what to say at all the right times. She's the single person that I can confide to and not to mention gives the most ideal advice. Although our opinions may not always be the same, she would make sure to prepare the whole range of every possible solution and every bit of advice that would fit the problem situation. 

It's actually quite funny, because we often enjoy to do life analysis all the time. Nerdy isn't it? Well that's why we fit together so well. We both enjoy people watching, life analysis and philosophical thinking. But when situations that come at hand are about us, her or me, things get even more interesting. We analyze eachothers' problems and try to figure out different perspectives to the same issues. This allows either of us, whoever experiencing the problem, to get a more well rounded view about the whole situation. Might I also add that we are incredibly honest with each other allowing us both to trust each other that much more. 

Wake up and smell the roses. 

Lately, I've been dwelling on a certain situation (as if it's not already obvious enough). So I, of course turn to my one and only best friend, for some additional enlightenment.

She told me a story, 

" There was a family who had a daughter that had a mental illness. She was unaware of her actions and often could not make decisions on her own and thus relied mostly on her parents. Her parents, of course always wanted the best for her daughter regardless of her situation. So when the opportunity came about where a King was looking for a Queen to wed, her parents figured that would be the best choice for their daughter. Their daughter was nonchalant, she didn't care about wedding a King, or even gaining the title of a Queen, she only lived her life every day as a means of living in bliss. But her parents did not see it this way, they wanted the King to marry her so she could become the Queen and have her happily ever after. 

Was the daughter ever opposed to this? Well of course not, but did she actually care? Not in the slightest. 

Long story short - through the tenacious and determined parents, miraculously the King agreed to marry the girl. When the time came to wed, the King took a moment to speak to the parents of the girl. 

He said, "I'm not quite sure as to why you are so adamant about me wedding your daughter. She does not care, and shows no interest to me whatsoever. She lives life happily by herself and in the presence of her family. She doesn't need the title of a queen for she simply does not care and show absolutely no enthusiasm or desire to even want to be a queen. She obviously would not disobey her parents, so she would continue to live life nonchalantly even as a queen. So why, if you claim to love her so much, want her to take this title if she doesn't even care." 

The parents had nothing to say. They didn't know what to say because they already knew the truth. They only adamantly wanted her to get married for them, not because she voluntarily wanted it." 

This story snapped me awake. 

This is why I say conversations with my Best Friend is the best. She finds clever ways to show a new perspective when I give her a pickle-of-a-situation. She made me rethink my course of action and what I should do. Sometimes it's hard to hear yourself say the truth, let alone even attempt to believe it. But when you hear it from someone else, suddenly you wake up from your dream and realize what truly matters. 

What is the point of forcing something upon someone when they don't even care. 
                                                                                                                    You lose the meaning of it. 

I should not be wasting my time on people who don't even care. Rather, I should spend my time and effort on those who actually do care, who do love me, and would make an effort to invest their time in me. 

Woke up, smelled the roses, and loved the roses. 

Thank you Best Friend. 

Fairytale

STOP GETTING SO ATTACHED 

I can't help it, I just crave for that feeling of being wanted... 

YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE WANTED? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING 

I... I don't know... 

I'LL TELL YOU. YOU DON'T NEED THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS

But I'm weak. I feel so consumed and I can't seem to let them go

HAH. THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, SO WHY PUT YOURSELF THROUGH SOMETHING THAT IS NOT GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

I know that, but I really can't just forget about them. I constantly just have this thought in the back of my mind that we might just work out

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? YOU DON'T KNOW THEM ENOUGH TO MAKE A GUESS. YOU LOOK DESPERATE

Stop, I know. I just can't seem to let go of that slight chance. Just maybe we could be... 

DON'T GO THERE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING. IF YOU KEEP PUTTING YOUR HEART OUT THERE LIKE THIS, THINGS ARE GOING TO CRASH FOR YOU, AND IT WILL HURT

I mean, it's halfway there. I'm optimistic.

NO YOU'RE FOOLISH. YOU HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DEAL WITH THAN THIS RIGHT NOW 

I just wish, I wonder how it feels to be- 

YOU. YOU GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MIND.

I can't. 

YES YOU CAN. 

I really can't. I don't know how. 

YOU'RE JUST BORED. YOU NEED TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO PLAY WITH. DEALING WITH YOUR HEART LIKE THIS IS NOT GOOD 

It felt so right, you have no idea. 

OF COURSE I DO. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STUPID YOU SEEM FOR PLAYING THIS OUT IN YOUR MIND WHEN YOU KNOW THIS SHIT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN. 

It could... come on. It might. right?

KEEP ON DREAMING PRINCESS. 

I keep telling myself that if someone wants you enough, they'll come after you. I've let the rope slide, and they keep coming back, that must mean something... 

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK. HAVE YOU EVERY THOUGHT THAT MAYBE THEY TREAT YOU THE SAME AS THEY TREAT EVERY OTHER GIRL THEY MET? HUH? DON'T BE SO NIAVE TO THINK THAT YOU'RE SO SPECIAL

But those signals... 

ARE MIXED SIGNALS

No it can't be. It seemed so real. wait- what signals? 

ATTA GIRL. 

No, i'm actually thinking... was there even signals? 

NOPE.

Was I reading into all of this too much? Was everything I thought we could be just a made up story in my mind? 

YUP.

No, it can't be. I had a second opinion, it wasn't just me fantasizing 

YOUR SECOND OPINION WAS USELESS.  

She saw it too, it wasn't just me. 

IT WAS JUST YOU. YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTED IT TO BE MORE THAN JUST FRIENDS. 

You don't know that, what if...

WHAT IF, WHAT? WHAT IF I KNOW THE TRUTH? WHAT IF I AM THE TRUTH THAT YOU FAIL TO BELIEVE?

I don't know if I can handle the truth

OF COURSE YOU CAN'T, YOU ALREADY SAID YOU WERE WEAK. YOU'RE ONLY CRAVING THE FEELING OF SOMEONE LOVING YOU. YOU'RE DEPRIVED AND YOU WANT TO FEEL THAT CLOSENESS OF SOMEONE. THAT CONSTANT REMINDER THAT SOMEONE OUT THERE ACTUALLY WANTS TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. SOMEONE THAT WILL CARE AND LOVE YOU. SOMEONE ASIDE FROM YOUR BLESSED FAMILY. SOMEONE THAT YOU COULD HAVE A FUTURE WITH. YOU WANT TO RID THE FEELING OF BEING ALONE ALL THE TIME. YOU WANT THAT SOMEONE TO SHARE ALL YOUR UPS AND DOWNS. YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE SPONTANEOUS AND THE UNKNOWN. THIS IS NEW, THIS FEELING IS NEW AND IT'S REFRESHING, ADDICTING AND YOU WANT MORE. YOU CAN'T GET ENOUGH. YOU WANT THAT FAIRYTALE. YOU WANT TO BE THE QUEEN TO A LONE KING. 

You're on to something...

OF COURSE I AM.

Crap. 

Lingering thoughts

I'm the type of person who always seems to get myself stuck in the same position.

I get too attached. 

Whether it is from inanimate objects or people, it's the same thing. I can't give it up, let it go, or forget about it. Simple example would be of the photos on my phone. I have pretty much all of them already saved and loaded on my laptop so hypothetically speaking they are 'safe', and yet I still can't seem to get myself to delete any of the pictures off my phone. Maybe it's because I like reminiscing the good times, or cherishing the moments with me, but I some how get too attached, even to photos. 

This isn't something I'd brag about though. Getting too attached to something or someone can be bad. Bad bad bad. Lets reiterate someone, yeah... that can be bad. 

I fall fast, hard and get way too attached too quickly. 

Thats my problem, and it's hard to break this deep veined habit. 

I really wished there was an erase button in my brain, so that I could somehow just free myself from these lingering thoughts. Now wouldn't that be convenient... 

*beep* "Memory Erased." 

                                                  

or better yet, "Person Erased."

Sigh, but knowing me and my sentimental self, I would probably chicken out from that erasing button anyways. Being too afraid to get rid of the thoughts of a person that once made you happy. 

A person that once made you laugh 

A person that once made you smile for no reason at all 

A person that once made gave you the butterflies every time you saw them... 

Shit, I'm pulling up the memories again. This is not good, this is not suppose to happen. 

Why does this happen? Why does this keep happening to me? Is it really that hard to just meet someone get really close to them, learn all about them and let them through your walls but only remain friends? Man, why do I keep putting myself through this shit.

Messing with your heart and your mind... bad bad bad idea.

Enough

Consumption. I'm feeling consumed. This is not healthy, I can't keep thinking about you. There's no reason to, there's no reason for me to continuously feel consumed by you. By what you're doing, where you are, and how you feel. I feel foolish knowing that you're probably oblivious or not feeling the same way. I can't understand why I can fall so hard for someone I don't even know. I clearly don't mean as much to you as you do to me. This is partly my fault for misunderstanding your means of being "nice", but I guess I shouldn't blame myself completely since you were the one with the mixed signals. You can't just give so much attention to me, do all the little things to make me smile and then turn around and walk away like nothing happened. This is your fault as much as it is my fault for falling for your mixed signals. I feel utterly stupid for caring as much as I did and looking desperate. You're too "nice" for my own good, and I need out.

This is ridiculous.

This post and you will serve as a reminder. A reminder that I am better off being happy by myself than investing time to someone who can simply get bored and walked away.

I thank you for that.

Strangers?

It feels like we're still just strangers. I don't know you, and you don't know me. Well at least the full me, but then again I don't you either. I guess that's why we're trying to "get to know each other" right? But, why do I still have this fear deep down in my mind that maybe the reason why we're still strangers is because...well...because we're meant to be just strangers. Awkward silences, silent phone calls, blank stares. Why do I feel like no matter how hard I try to move past this stranger phase, we still end up completely stuck there. I dig and I dig but it seems like the ground still looks the same, flat and still. Unmoving. 

I'm getting tired of this already, I need to see if this digging is working. I've tried changing my tactics and sometimes I hope that it gets better. At moments I feel like I've made progress, maybe even a little dent, but when the wind blows and the dirt smooths out the ground again, I'm back where I started. Flat and still. Unmoving.

It's hard to chase, especially when I don't know what I'm chasing.

Falling, and it hurts

I'm the type of person to not usually show much affection towards another person, unless of course you're my family or my dog. But typically speaking, showing affection towards another person can sometimes seem intimidating for me. It's as if I'm afraid to show that affection, afraid to become vulnerable to that person. So I avoid it. I don't do this purposely, and I may not be completely conscious of my choices sometimes, but deep inside my mind I know that I am simply afraid of the unknown.

Showing affection towards someone would essentially show that you're in some way infatuated towards them; and by this I also mean that you admire them or even love them. Now my question is, how do you actually know that you love someone or even something as simple as "liking" them? These type of feelings are often mistaken for lust and can often be quite messy when there is loads of drama linked in it. When you are interested in someone, does that mean you "like" them? When your thoughts are always clouded by the same person, does that also mean you "like" them? Or was it these factors and of course many other factors as well constitute as "liking" someone?

Questions, questions, questions, so many questions but no answers.

Now, going back to my seemingly cold-hearted affection, or I should probably say, lack of affection towards others, sometimes I just feel like I am wasting my time, effort and not to mention money by investing in someone who might not even "like" me in the end. Thats the added reason as to why I tend to turn away from showing affection. However, this constant turning away has also led me to build a ginormous wall that may have, or so I thought, become completely impenetrable. Now, when I mean impenetrable, I do in fact mean, impenetrable. The extent of which, led my best friend to believing I was gay at this one point. This part may be humorous since she simply thought men just wasn't my cup of tea and maybe it would be women, but of course she was wrong. I like men, I am sure lol. I just never felt like I've met a man who was up to par with my standards or even had a chance at scratching my wall. At the same time, I don't know if it was me not giving all those people who did show interest a chance or them not wanting to pursue a lost cause, but I was just not interested.

Although in the mess of things, I've recently learned quite fast how this affection thing can mess with your mind. I never thought I'd see the day or hear myself say this, but for once, I might be interested. Here comes my question on the definition again, what does one being interested entitled to? I'm too afraid to say "like", let alone the L word, so perhaps I'll stick with interested. I don't know what I'm suppose to say, do or act. Most of the time I'm just going with the flow and trying my hardest to keep myself and mind still intact. It's crazy to think that one person can change the flow in your life, either boosting your positives or casting a negative. To invest your time and awareness towards that one person in your life whom you barely know also seems like such a farfetched idea that is even silly to think about. Obsessing over a simple text message is by far the craziest feeling to get. When one text from the person you oh-so-wanted-to-talk can completely change your mood, and to be honest with you, I hate this consuming feeling. This feeling of losing your self control to this one person is the oddest feeling to have. Feeling as if this person has consumed all your thoughts and emotions and yet they probably don't even know it. Better yet, they probably don't feel the same way. Hardest part to swallow. You don't know. You never know... until of course you ask.

But who am I kidding, thats obviously not going to happen. Lord knows I probably wouldn't be able to gather up the courage to ever do that.

That's why this title is what it is. Falling, and it hurts, because it does. Especially for a person who doesn't tend to show affection on a regular basis, when you do, it becomes the only thing you think about. Idea of consumption fills my mind again, being consumed by a person who probably doesn't feel the same is ideally highlighted as the part that "hurts" the most. Now I could be sort of dramatic right now by saying this "hurts", since the extent of feeling hurt is probably far more gut-wrenchingly painful than this. So I guess I should probably just change it to "confusing".

That's exactly how I feel.

Confused.

Confused on my thoughts. Confused on my feelings. Walking the path of unknown and not knowing what to expect either makes me question if I want to continue this. I am just confused.